JUNE 3, 2006

Full News Archive

• Headline: Learjet Crash in Long Island Sound. Impact: Had the jet crashed a bit differently, Pat Robertson might have started a cult based on survival miracles instead of just televangelism. The butterfly effect could have led to a massive wave of survivalist religious movements across the globe. Who needs a bunker when you have faith?. Fact: If only the fog had a sense of humor, it might have pulled a prank and made the jet land safely at an airstrip instead of the water. But alas, fog is notoriously unfunny..
• Headline: American Team's World Cup Experience. Impact: This moment marked the dawn of the American soccer fan realizing that enthusiasm does not equal skill. From this point forward, soccer moms started investing in overpriced jerseys and futile dreams of World Cup glory. Who knew a sport could create so many midlife crises?. Fact: The 'been-here, done-that' attitude actually stemmed from the realization that they had been watching the games from their couches for years and had somehow convinced themselves that counted as experience..
• Headline: A Column That Needs No Introduction. Impact: The transformation of Kinder Morgan into a private entity paved the way for more companies to think they were special enough to hide their financials from the public, leading to an era of corporate secrecy that would make even a magician proud.. Fact: Home Depot's CEO spinning his salary is a lot like watching a magician pull a rabbit out of a hat—everyone's amazed, but no one really understands how it happened..
• Headline: Of Mice, Monkeys and Cheese. Impact: This peculiar gathering at the Department of Health inadvertently inspired a new generation of avant-garde artists who believed that the intersection of rodents, primates, and dairy could be the next big thing in performance art. Prepare for the cheese-themed theater revolution!. Fact: The phrase 'mice and monkeys' is actually the secret code for a new health initiative—'Eat cheese, don't be a mouse!' But don't tell the monkeys; they might start a protest..